Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")

Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further put where American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give Anyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It really is that he need to end using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the challenge, replied, "You understand, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorized.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after acquiring the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.

"It truly is not merely unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Confusing Features

Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium exactly where guests may well ponder vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate control established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising System: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Occur"

The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:

Trump Tower Damascus
34% say "it would stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% reported "where's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The challenge is presently attracting consideration from international traders, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely contain:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD can have turn-down services."

An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:

China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Final Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."